In the Days Before We Met

Time for another escapade to Sam's Sunday Sentimental Side.

Our children age so fast before our eyes. My eldest will be taking her soon-to-be received diploma and heading off to University in the fall. Our middle child has begun her dream of working in a restaurant kitchen (part-time) and the youngest one has yet to pick any one dream from among his limitless imagination to follow, so he still pursues them all.

When I married the beautiful Dawn, I became the proud parent of two equally beautiful daughters, aged seven & nine at the time, but now young women. Our son is seven now, soon to be eight and my parenting has now come full circle to where it began.

What I’ve found is how much I missed by stepping into my daughters lives as late as I did. I have never thought of my girls as anything other than my own children. I’ve given them every bit of the love and affection that I would soon give to my son Nate. There were, as expected, moments of awkwardness and the like, especially while their real father was still around. Because I never thought of myself as anything other than their real father, I often took his existence as an insult. But he’s gone now.

Recently, as Nate has begun to really sprout into personhood, I’ve seen evidence of what I only suspected before. These past few years are playing a pivotal role in who my son will be and the time my daughters may have needed me the most was before I had ever met them. I realize that there is no rational reason to feel guilty for this, yet I do.

This past Wednesday, after our AWANA club had finished its meeting, our Pastor asked my son how his championship basketball game had gone. He gave a brief, three word summary, “It was okay” before launching into a rambling, excited description of the game that took place on Tuesday night. I’ve coached the sports teams for my children ever since they started playing – softball, baseball, football, basketball & hockey. One of my long held traditions is an after season party, which usually includes a parents versus kids game.

Tuesday night, we played an epic eight on five game with the kids against the parents. As excited as he had been about the championship game and his medal, the larger memory of the week was the fun parent game. Pastor Roger kept trying to get back to Sunday’s game, but my son would have none of it. For Nate, the game with the parents was the most important of the whole season.

It was then that I realized how important that parent-child interaction was during this time of his life. In just a few years, he will have all the usual distractions that will pull him away from his mother and me. But this time in his life, what he is learning will be the home base for him, the shelter that he will seek when life gets a little too rough.

My daughters, like most teenagers today, are sailing through some rough seas. I wish they could find greater solace during the storm from me. But I feel as though, when they’re hurting and they seek the comforts of those innocent days, they time-travel beyond my entrance into their lives to a time before they knew me and I want to cry - but not for me.

It’s wrong that at such an important time of their life, they were missing what they needed. My wife is so strong, but it’s so hard being a single parent in a world that really needs two. I’m so glad that we found each other and that together we can provide the type of home our wonderful children deserve. So many others don’t have that.

I love my children, each and everyone, with all my heart. Sometimes I try to overcompensate for the moments in life that we missed by attempting to stuff my girls back into a childlike cocoon and hold onto them a little longer before letting them go. But you know what? They’re young women who won't stand for that. The time for holding onto them has passed.

All I can do is be there when they fall down, pick them back up, clean them off, give them a hug to say that everything’s going to be okay and then send them off into the world again. I will gladly play any role in their life – parent, coach, teacher, and friend – that they may need. But what I wouldn’t give to have been there for my girls in the days before we met.

Second Place is Pretty Good Too

I just finished coaching my son's (K-2nd grade) basketball team.  We had a successful season.  We finished 2nd in the league standings after the regular season and played for the championship in a one game playoff.  The team played admirably, but came up short in that final game.  As I handed out the silver medals they had earned I told them all they could be very proud - the team we lost to that day was the only team to beat us during the season.  As I explained to my players, the other team was just better than us.

Afterwards I reflected on how valuable that last piece of information was.  Too many children grow up without ever hearing that someone is better than them.  Parents, schools and society are so quick to offer faux praise today.  But I don't like it.  When did trying to encourage a child mean lying to them?  Accentuate the positives - creatively if needed - but don't lie to them.

My wife follows the American Idol contest each year.  I don't pay much attention to it, but I will sometimes find myself on the couch next to her while its on the TV.  At the beginning of the season, thousands of potential 'Idols' will try out at staged auditions around the country.  Most of the singers have watched the show before and believe they have what it takes to be the next American Idol.  Most of them are 100% wrong.  As Simon would put it, they're "dreadful".  It's not just that they have no future in music, but some of them have no past association with it either.  It would be simply impossible to consider that dreck music.

Yet each of them have someone standing outside the audition door.  They have someone who let them go on national TV and embarrass themselves.  They have someone who refused to tell them the truth.  They're bad and no one ever told them about it.  And often it's mom and dad who stands outside the door to console their child who seems perfectly nice, but has a singing voice that sounds like phantom chains being drug across the floor.  What do mom and dad say?  "I can't imagine why they didn't take you - you're the best."  Guess what?  Mom and dad just lied to their own son or daughter on national TV.

I know, I know...we don't want to shatter their dreams.  Well, it's been shattered now and on national TV to boot.  How much time and energy have these poor deceived children wasted on a dream that will never come true?  Wouldn't they be better off finding a new dream?  Here they are at 19 or 20 years old, they've spent countless hours and dollars working toward a goal they never had a chance to attain.

Dreams are like balloons.  They can pop violently or simply develop a slow leak.  We don't need to pop them.  But we shouldn't be afraid to examine them.  My little boy is tiny.  As he gets older, I will be honest about the limitations size can have on his sports aspirations.  I won't be destroying his dreams.  I'll be giving him useful information.  Smaller players need to bring different skill sets to a sport than the larger players.  By being honest with him, he will be able to adjust and practice the skills needed to be successful.  If the hurdles prove to insurmountable, it won't come as a shock to him either.

Watch your children closely.  See where they excel and seek to complement them there.  Children aren't oblivious to reality.  They know when praise is being lavished inappropriately and this hurts their self-esteem.  A child's self-esteem is properly built when they are given praise for an actual accomplishment.  Build their self-esteem by helping them find what they are good at.  When a child finds something they do well, they will show more interest in it.  When they receive praise for their accomplishments, they will seek to improve at it and practice even more.  Well placed praise will create excellence in your child. 

On the other hand, when lavish praise is given to them, despite evidence to the contrary, you will create spoiled and whiny children who refuse to accept reality.  Don't believe me?  Watch the first few episodes of American Idol next year and look for the hundreds of off-key singers who will continue to insist that they are the real American Idol and the millionaire celebrity judges are just jealous.  Think about how much you would hate to be that child's parent.  Then look at your son's basketball team after they just lost the championship game.  Do you make up some excuse for why they lost and tell them they should have won?  Or do you do what I did - look them in the eye, tell them how proud you are of how hard they played, but unfortunately the other team was just better.  There's no need to lie because in the end, second place is pretty good too.