The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines Tyranny in part as:
: oppressive power
: a rigorous condition imposed by some outside agency or force
: an oppressive, harsh, or unjust act: a tyrannical act
I never grew up wishing to become a tyrant. It’s not in my nature. But I am proud to declare that when it comes to my children, I’m an unqualified tyrant. I see no need to hide from this label. In fact, I wish more parents would embrace it. I believe our nation is worse off because too many parents have run from it.
On January 8th, the Wall Street Journal published an essay from author Amy Chua entitled, Why Chinese Mothers are Superior, which is excerpted from her book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”. There are, as of this morning, over 7500 comments to this essay on the WSJ website. It has caused a bit of an outcry in some circles, with many accusing her of child abuse and brutal mental torment. Others, who may not approve of her methods or the extent to which she pushes her children, felt that there was much truth to what she said and we should raise the expectations for our children. In the essay, she says
Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.
………………….The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable—even legally actionable—to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty—lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)
In another passage, she describes at length, her efforts to teach a very difficult piece of music to her 7 year old daughter. It was a very involved, weeks long process filled with a good quantity of physical and mental jousting with the child. Ultimately, the child was able to play the piece and the author felt vindicated.
….parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.
I am not a tyrant on the level of an Amy Chua (nor am I a Chinese mother), but I don’t disagree with her conclusions.
Key to parenting is to having a goal. If the only goal is for you and your child to survive, then you are probably happy with whatever social delinquent you may produce. If your goal is to raise a perfect child who will become the greatest person who ever lived, you plan on being disappointed. Somewhere in the middle is where the rest of us reside.