I reach out my hand to grasp it, but it falls through my fingers like, well... sand. Try as I might, I cannot grab a hold of time and stop it. Time is a journey; not a destination. And no matter how I might attempt to restrain it, this train will keep to it's schedule. It knows no reverse and makes no stops.
Often, I convince myself that I am the conductor of the train; that I, and I alone, am in control of the ride. I imagine that I am the man in charge. Steering a train is pretty easy - you just follow the track. At least until you come to a switch. Left or right? I choose left, but the train goes right. Suddenly, I realize that I never was steering the train. It was a delusion of mine. The train was just following the path that was laid out for it.
Sometimes, we are so eager to feel that we have control, that we will consciously ignore the tell-tale signs. Our mind plays tricks on us and we are more than happy to play along. But our delusion emits a false sense of security and that can put us in danger.
Tonight was my daughter's Senior Prom. It's a good bet that everyone of those teenagers believe that they are in control of their life. But they couldn't be more wrong.
On all the large events such as this, my daughter wonders if this will be the night that she will lose one of her classmates. As invincible as her and her classmates feel, they recognize that control is illuoisory. Yet by their own actions, they choose to believe the illusion.
Until morning, when they all return home safely, I will be up all night praying for them. Earlier this evening, a memorial was held to remember a young man who didn't make it home safely one night a few years back. I can't imagine the grief that our friends went through in losing their child. But on nights like this I try. I don't want to, but often the mind is as uncontrollable as the movement of time.
I lost one of my best friends during college. I never imagined our lives could end so soon. Before my life had really even started, his was over. We were only a year removed from where my daughter now stands.
In a few months, she will be leaving our home and heading off to college. At that point, I will have done all that I have been tasked to do. Any remaining illusion of control that I have in her life will fade.
Leaving this town, she will seek to make a new life for herself and I couldn't be happier for her. Small towns tend to skew perceptions. The big lights of the bigger cities may expose faults that were hard to see before or enable them to see the beauty that lies hidden deep in the shadows. My beautiful daughter has yet to realize how wonderful she really is. The truth lies out there for her; she just needs to go and find it.
Whatever she makes of her life, I want her to understand, though, who is really in control of her life. No matter the desires of her heart, I hope that she always remembers that it is God who is in control. In the Bible, Paul points out that we must die to live; we must lose to win. Faith is taking our hand off the wheel and allowing God to do the driving.
Last week at church, my son Nate and I sang one of my favorite songs, Jesus is For Losers. It's a song Steve Taylor wrote after his failed attempt to achieve rock stardom his way, rather than following what God wanted. As the sands of time continue to fall through my fingers and my Nicole's journey continues forward, I pray she never becomes too successful to realize that she is still a loser like me, broken at the foot of the cross.
The only thing we can control in this world is our own actions; and even in this we often find ourselves losing the battle with our sinful nature. For me tonight, Faith is allowing my illusion that I can protect my family at all times to fade. All I can do is pray that I have done my part as her parent so that her actions will be safe and then pray that God will find a way to protect her from the hundreds of other dangers that are beyond her control....and mine.
Go; go with God, but go...
Jesus is For Losers
by Steve Taylor
If I was driven
Driven ahead by some noble ideal
Who took the wheel?
If I was given
Given a glimpse of some glorious road
When was it sold?
So caught up in the chase
I keep forgetting my place
Just as I am
I am stiff-necked and proud
Jesus is for losers
Why do I still play to the crowd?
Just as I am
Pass the compass, please
Jesus is for losers
I'm off about a hundred degrees
If I was groping
Groping around for some ladder to fame
I am ashamed
If I was hoping
Hoping respect would make a sturdy footstool
I am a fool
Bone-weary every climb
Blindsided every time
Just as I am
I am needy and dry
Jesus is for losers
The self-made need not apply
Just as I am
In a desert crawl
Lord, I'm so thirsty
Take me to the waterfall
And if you're certain
Certain your life is some cosmic mistake
Why do you shake?
And if you're certain
Certain that faith is some know-nothing mask
Why do you still ask?
They don't grade here on the curve
We both know what we deserve
Just as you are
Just a wretch like me
Jesus is for losers
Grace from the blood of a tree
Just as we are
At a total loss
Jesus is for losers
Broken at the foot of the cross
Just as I am
Pass the compass, please
Jesus is for losers
I'm off about a hundred degrees
Just as I am
In a desert crawl
Lord, I'm so thirsty
Take me to the waterfall
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